Jack of Harts

Despite early reports on Sunday night that the Buccaneers were winning the Big Game, it has since been verified that the Chiefs won.

The story on how this happened goes back many months, when the league decided to fortify the Big Game and save it from being stolen by any biased in-person referees or other possible chaos. They were concerned that it would be too difficult for teams to get touchdowns amidst the current pandemic, so they adjusted the rules to allow mail-in touchdowns. This was merely one of many rules changes the league enacted in the months building up to the big day, to make certain that every point was counted.

The league addressed the issue Monday morning, saying “we understand how hurtful it would be for an old white man to win the Big Game during Black history month.” They were also quick to condemn “the very bad fans who dared to celebrate Sunday night without masks on, in defiant opposition to the rules enacted to protect our fellow citizens.” They finished by reassuring America that matters were under control because “we have put together one of the most extensive and inclusive touchdown fraud organizations in the history of American football.”

The first dividends of that effort were seen at 4AM Monday morning, when two mail-in touchdowns were found for the Chiefs. Conversions for extra points were discovered during the day, as well as two more touchdowns, and multiple extra field goals, as league officials placed cardboard in the windows to keep observers from watching their completely fair process.

By the end of Monday night, league officials confirmed that the Chiefs had won the most fair and free Big Game in history by the historic score of 50 to 31. The league then made a call for unity amongst the fans as this difficult time has passed and the rightful team has been elevated to the office of Big Game Champion.