Jack of Harts

Before Josh Brolin played Thanos and Michael Fassbender played Magneto, at least three movies were released where Confederates build a super weapon they plan to use to destroy the Union and end America in the late 1800s. That is the main story of Jonah Hex, and I’m sorry to say that it was done better in Wild Wild West and the Legend of Zorro. And those two movies had the advantage of having likeable protagonists. Jonah Hex does not.

Don’t get me wrong, here. Brolin does a good job playing Jonah Hex. And Fassbender does an amazing Irish mad bomber, but neither one is likeable. John Malkovich plays an excellent bad guy with a touch of crazy. Ok. Make a whole bucket full of crazy. And Megan Fox does her usual acting job. Keeps her mouth shut most of the time, arches her back to show off her best talents, and otherwise shows that anybody who wants to get close to her is a whole WAGON load of crazy. Most of the characters are actually acted very well. I have to give the actors props on doing a good job of bringing a lackluster story to life the way they did. And the special effects were pretty cool.

But in the end, this is not a movie that goes on my recommended list. It’s not as fun to watch as Green Lantern or Constantine, the two underrated superhero movies I use as a general bar for whether or not I like a movie in that genre. I didn’t like any of the main characters. And I was more relieved than anything when the credits rolled and I could get back to an exciting day of work. OK. That might be a little harsh. But honestly, I doubt I’ll ever watch this movie again. I certainly hope I never will, because I have other things to do.

Now I’m not going to ask for my time back, here. I’m glad I watched it. Because I have now finally answered the burning question of whether or not I would enjoy the movie. And for that, I’m happy to have spent the time to figure that one out, and I’ll be just as happy to never repeat the experience. No thumbs up from me.